I’m alive, Utah was awesome, I have pics, and I will post them. I’ve been in an odd state of semi-existence since I got back. I put in over 70 hours at work last week (yes, in one week) because things are a bit down-to-the-wire and hectic here. That combined with a vacation (very needed mentally, but not physically) means that my training is thrown way off. I no longer even check the schedule I was using as a guide. I’ve been going more with an “if I have the time and energy and desire just go do it” approach. In fact, I heard BBB while I was lying in bed this morning (yup, even though I’ve never heard his voice). It was telling me not to think, and to do. So although it was only 30 minutes, I got a run in. And then back to work. Cause you know, those whole 6.5 hours I had off (yes, including sleeping, running, etc) were all I had time for.

Vineman is going to be tough, and I’m going to hurt.

I never really have gotten the run volume up to where it should be. I was doing great, then my running slacked off when I got a plan from a coach (and I only did what was on it). And then the knee soreness and foot issues, and it’s life. These things happen. I’m in an odd place right now. I’ve accepted it, and I’ve moved on. It is what it is… I’m not whiny or really upset by it, but a bit disappointed. Some in me, some in the coach. But more, I’ve lost my love of it. I haven’t been craving time out with my running shoes like I used to. It feels sorta like IM-blues, but I’m still pre-IM. It feels a bit like depressed, or a lack of motivation, but really is just a lack of enjoyment. I used to just make myself go, and afterwards I’d have this feeling of contentment, like things were right in the world. Now I feel like I’m going through motions. Even after, it is done and I’m glad I did it, but don’t have the same feeling in my heart. Part of me thinks I’m just sick of pavement, part of me that I’ve just kinda given up on getting better right now, and I almost feel like with each run I disappoint myself or let myself down.

I haven’t been blogging because of the desire to be away from the computer when I can (I’m stealing a break at work now) but also because I just don’t know how to put into words what’s in my heart and head. Something is off — the training, my usual love of life and ability to do any of this, even my desire to fix the whole issue.

I’ve had a great training day — my 100 mile brick in 100 degree heat. Sunday I got up, and just made myself get on the bike. No commitment, no goal, supplies to be out there a while if I neede them (and knowledge that a long day would bring me past home to refuel as well). I started saying I’d at least do my 45ish minute ride that I think of almost as a time-trial. Mostly flat, few stops. I got to the out point, and didn’t come back. Instead I figured I could do a loop or so of Bonelli, so I headed there and did so. It was really busy though, so I wanted to leave. So I did, and I climbed up San Dimas Canyon to where it ends. Which was not as hard as I had thought it might be, which was good since it somewhat matches the main hill in Vineman (which you hit at 45 and 101 miles) and I hit it at about 40 miles. Then I stopped and refueled. Confusing my roommate when I said I’d be back in about 3 hours. And just kept riding. Went out toward Rancho and did the Banyon ride, and rode around heritage park. Then my GPS was getting low on battery (charged when I left — I think getting old) and I’m a numbers geek, and was over 80 miles, so I headed home and made it at about 95 miles. Grabbed running shoes and a tank top and hit the streets for a tough hour and around 5.5 miles. I was feeling good off the bike. Not the same kind of content as I used to, but less empty than I’ve been feeling lately. And the run I lost that feeling. Got to feeling distracted, and somewhat bored. But I finished. Stretching then felt great! And a cool shower, ending with an ice-free ice-bath for my legs, and I wasn’t sore from the day. Great in terms of training, deposits in the IM bank account, etc. But the after-feeling and wholeness is used to bring never came.

So Vineman… it will be tough. I will live, but I’m not expecting to run as well as I did in AZ. I’m curious about the bike — I could see that going either way. And the swim will probably be about the same, depending on my sighting abilities. And I’m ok with that. I won’t be racing for a PR, because I don’t feel in my heart that I should have that kind of a goal. Right now, I think I’m racing because I’m stubborn — because I finish things I start — because I’ve never DNSed a race I’ve paid for. I’m racing it almost as a training day — being there and getting the time in. At least that’s how I see it right now. I want to enjoy the experience, and I’m sure I will once it is here. I’m racing to have a smile on my face, and to not hate everything tris a week after VM. Although I think I will focus more on AR stuff after it… something about the call of the dirt over the call of the pavement. But we shall see when I get there.

So hi. I’m alive, Utah was fun, and I have pics. I will post them. I promise. There were fun times that I will share.

Ok so here is a teaser pic: